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”“No, that’s not safe.” Sigh. “I’ll have to wash it by hand.”I didn’t respond.“We really should have washed these earlier.”“God f--ing dammit, Sarah! F-- you! F-- you!” She’d taken something I’d said out of context and refused to acknowledge it. My heart was beating, I’m sure I was red in the face. Not only that, she’d persisted in something that just wasn’t that important and wasn’t really true, in my view. The goddam dishes could have gone in the dishwasher, end of story. Instead, she had to make a big deal about it and act put-upon because we (I) hadn’t done the smart thing and run the stupid machine earlier. The only thing missing was an eye-roll, and perhaps that’s only because I missed it.We’d gone to sleep without making up, a mistake. This morning I got up and showered shaved and dressed without speaking to her. We barely made eye contact. It was probably stupid of me to drive in that mood but I did anyway. I felt the flutter in my chest, the one I’d noticed over the past six. I thought, now here it comes…I could tell by my mother’s body posture and facial expressions that while I wasn’t about to be yelled at, she had something to say.“Daddy, we do need to talk about last night. You’re not in any trouble. In fact, I need to apologize for the way I was acting these past few months. I know I put you through a lot. I was not there as I should have been for you. My whole life I’ve had strong men to give me direction and meaning. Your father’s death left me without that. As a result, I floundered. I got depressed and fell into a bottle to numb the feelings. Your forcefulness last night reminded me that I had raised a man to be like his father. Someone that should/could give me a purpose and direction. Before your father’s death, it was my job to care for him and the family. It was his job to give me direction and ensure an income. In his death, he ensured that income will always be there. While you do not need to worry about providing an income, it will be.
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